Marriage is evolving. It is always changing in nature, and the change comes again. Women’s rights and anti-abuse laws gained key momentum in the last half of the 20th century. This new “permit-based” marriage gives people the right to leave the marriage, a great tool to protect health.
But the commitment to marriage is the same as before: to create a lasting partnership. So what’s next for marriage? A “skill-based” marriage. What if you could leave, but you’re not done playing yet? How do you overcome obstacles when you don’t want to leave? Try the ABC’s of a fair fight in a 21st century marriage.
HAS – HASfocus with skill
Diane Sollee at SmartMarriages.org coined the phrase ‘skills-based marriage’. It means that she approaches each problem with a question: “What can I learn here?” It means that the marriage improves dramatically by educating oneself. This revolutionary new approach will make you rethink marriage. It’s not about getting away with anything right now, it’s about learning something valuable from the situation you find yourself in.
You will learn thousands of new skills from each relationship. The key is to shift your focus from your needs to your life lessons. What are you learning right now? What can you experiment with? What can you try this time? Experiment and practice until you master as many skills as you can.
game B B.Guidelines and minimum standards
A boundary is a line in the sand. No drugs. No smoke smell. Do not yell in front of children. These are firm rules that establish your breaking point in the relationship. If you don’t have the ability to leave, you also don’t have the ability to stay. Boundaries set a point at which it is acceptable to leave.
A minimum standard is used when you have a spectrum or variable problem. Use a minimum standard with things like how often we have sex or how much money we make. You might say, “You have to make at least $1,000 a year, or I have to go.” It’s not pretty, but it’s a minimum: a final starting point for your relationship.
C – Use similar levels of againsttransport
Dr. John Gottman shows in his studies that some relationships have a high level of communication and others have a more peaceful attitude. In my own marriage, I have a “tell all” policy. And that works very well. I know of other powerful marriages with a “don’t say anything” policy. According to Gottman, both approaches can work equally well.
I suggest that there is no ideal level of communication. But you have to commit and agree to uphold the communication level standard across the board. If one believes in full disclosure and the other in keeping the peace, you may run into difficulties. Agree (verbally or non-verbally) to the same level of transmission in your relationship.
D- D.does not hit below the belt
What phrases are unacceptable under any circumstance? Have you said: “This sentence is unacceptable.” If not, say so! Clearly communicate what is below the belt and stand your ground. If you’re a little naughty and like to push the boundaries, then don’t push the boundaries of what’s below the belt. You will destroy your marriage.
me- meand we have a positive note
I have always loved the “sandwich principle” that I learned at Toastmasters International. The “sandwich principle” says that you should sandwich a criticism between two compliments. Now it’s true that you can screw this up. But the point at the beginning is that the other person always leaves feeling positive. Whether it’s for a compliment or just saying, I love you.
F- FForgive and forget
This is easy to say and hard to do. Check with the frequency of the error. Does the error occur too often for you? What is the most you can tolerate for this to happen? Once a week? Once a month? Once a decade?
If you continually embrace the moment, you will see your partner differently every day. You will learn to fight fair and eventually you will learn to have fun being married!
