I recently heard from a wife who told me that she and her husband lived very differently than they did when they were first married. She said that they used to always be together, laughing, loving and experimenting. But now, they saw each other across the breakfast table without really seeing the other person, nodding as they passed and suffering from awkward but common silences. The wife summed it up by saying, “My husband and I practically live as roommates and I’m not sure I can take this anymore. I deserve to be happy and loved so I’m not sure I want to stay.” in this marriage and continue to live this way.
He wanted my advice on what he should do. When I asked her what she and her husband were doing to address this distance, she looked at me blankly. I asked her if her outings and dates ended badly or if it was some kind of closeness attempt. Again, I got a blank stare. The wife had to admit that they rarely spent much time together. It seemed like they both felt this was either a waste of time or potentially so awkward that they wanted to avoid it altogether.
Determine why the roommate situation between spouses was occurring: In fact, I hear quite a lot about this scenario. There are several reasons for this. Sometimes there is a problem, a misunderstanding, or an unfortunate issue running through the marriage, and yet no one wants to say anything about it or address it. Then each person lowers their gaze as the distance stretches further and further until it becomes so uncomfortable it’s almost unbearable. And yet the core problem is never addressed, so it gets worse too.
Other times, there is no particular reason for this and no anger is involved (although the result can be great frustration and sadness). What happened in this case is that both parties may feel that one of the two may have “changed.” or that the spark is gone. And while it may seem like things are evolving, you can often observe the change in the relationship and also identify a change in circumstances and/or priorities.
Often when I ask people to compare the time they’ve spent in the relationship today to the quality time they’ve spent in the past, they’re very resistant. They’ll say things like “yeah, but that was before we had kids or obligations and before we felt so comfortable with each other.” Or they will deny that one thing has anything to do with the other. In this case, I often say things like “well, what should I do? Give him my full attention all day? This is unrealistic and it’s not going to help anyway.”
Admittedly, thinking that you could put the time and effort of the past into today’s relationship is a bit unrealistic. Very few of us enjoyed the carefree lifestyle that we had back then. But, if you think about it objectively, you can usually at least consider that the time you spend will directly reflect the feelings that arise. You can’t neglect anything—a garden, a marriage, or a spouse—and expect it to give you the results it used to when you spent more time and attention on it. (And you either can’t or shouldn’t do this.)
But what happens when you finally realize that you need to rearrange your priorities and how you spend your time, but you’re worried that you’ve let this go on for so long that there’s really nothing left of the relationship? And while you don’t dislike or hate your spouse, you have to ask yourself if she really loves you more. You look at them and feel nothing. So you can’t help but wonder if you’ve waited too long.
How do you start when you want to get the spark back in your marriage? Unfortunately, many people will allow the fear of being vulnerable to influence their reluctance to make changes. So they’ll just sit there and get frustrated and know they’re sinking lower and lower. Yes, making changes can be uncomfortable. Your husband may not respond the way you want him to at first. This situation did not happen overnight and probably will not be transformed overnight.
But, you can start by giving what you want to receive. The wife herself made it very clear that she felt she deserved to be loved. She could start by showing her husband this love and exhibiting the behaviors she wanted to receive. In a sense, we have to teach people how to treat us by the way we treat them. We show them that we want more of their time and attention by giving them more of ours.
Sure, at first, they might see him as having lost his temper or temporarily gone off the rails. That is not the end of the world. Eventually, they’ll see that you’re serious about making lasting changes, and as long as they get positive feedback, they’re likely to do the same.
The wife was missing the fact that the husband probably wanted to return the closeness as much as she did. Every human being wants to experience love and feel valued. Her husband was no different. Since they both wanted the same thing and knew they were compatible but had just lost each other, there was no reason why they couldn’t change their daily interactions and apathy and finally get a completely different and better result.
