It’s common for me to hear from people who wonder if “backing off” a bit during marriage separation is a good idea. Many suspect that it might help their situation a bit, but they fear that if they back down, it will allow their spouse to withdraw even further from them. I heard from a wife who said, “I’ve been separated from my husband for four months. It’s been four months from hell. I miss him so much. I hate looking across the table and seeing his empty seat. I hate not knowing where he is or what he feels. Always I feel like calling or texting him. I talk to him several times a day. And I always find myself wanting to ask him how he’s feeling or if he’s considering coming back home. Sometimes, he gets really frustrated with me and hangs up. contact me for a few days. He says I need to give him more space, but I get very anxious when I even consider doing this. I worry that if I’m not constantly checking on him, he’ll start to pull away from me. Is it a good idea to back away when you’re apart? And if so, how do they start to do it? I can’t imagine not being in contact with him every day. How do you go back when your heart is still so committed? I will try to address these things in the next article.
From my own experience, I can tell you that going back can sometimes help a lot. And yes, it can be very uncomfortable at first. You may feel as if you are losing control. But, here is something to keep in mind. You are consciously choosing to relinquish control so that you can regain more control in the future.
Why backing down during a breakup can be helpful: Often the idea behind a separation is to give the marriage (and the people within the marriage) some time to reflect on the situation without each other’s constant presence. The general idea is that this gives them a perspective that they might not have had if they had been together constantly. As risky as it sounds, the result can be that both people like and miss each other and, as a result, come back to the table with a new commitment to work things out.
However, sometimes this process is interrupted when a person is not willing to give the space that is needed. This is understandable because not being with someone who has been a constant in your life feels strange and scary. It’s absolutely normal to want to hold on tighter when you feel something is being taken away from you. But what you need to understand is that when you hold on so tightly that your spouse becomes resistant, you’re actually increasing the chances that the thing you fear most, which is your spouse, will drift further and further away from you.
The logistics of going back. How do you do it when it’s the last thing you want to do?: I must say that most spouses understand the reasoning behind backing down. And many have gotten such poor results from being too strong that they know it’s probably a good idea to try another approach. That said, many are terrified and extremely uncomfortable with the idea of backing down, even a little bit.
They just can’t figure out how to begin putting this plan into action. They dread the thought of a day without hearing from their spouse. I totally get it because I’ve been there. Sometimes you really just have to take this one day at a time. You have to be very aware of your actions when you text or call for the fifth time in the morning. If you need to stop and go for a walk or journal or even exercise, that’s perfectly fine.
Often you will need to distract yourself, especially at first. It really helps keep you very busy. If you have good friends who can make sure you get out of the house and connect with others (instead of withdrawing into yourself), then share your goals with them. I know it may be hard to believe right now. But often, it is very beneficial for you to take some time to work on yourself. Spending time with yourself simply listening to your own thoughts and desires will help you get closer to saving your marriage in a more genuine and authentic way because it will make it more likely that both of you will recognize and ask for what you want. It honestly helps when you approach your spouse as an equal partner.
Be careful of taking this too far: Some wives actually start to see some improvement with the “roll back” approach and think they should push a little harder. So they will take it so far that they will pretend that maybe they want to see other people. Now, if her husband starts contacting them, they won’t return her calls. I think there is a point where you can take this too far for this strategy to actually do you more harm than good. When her husband begins to approach you, she then wants to walk the fine line between being receptive but not moving too fast too soon.
To answer the question posed, I believe that when done correctly, backing off in a calculated and balanced way during a separation can be helpful because it gives your spouse time to miss you and gives both of you a chance to work on yourselves and figure out what you want. What can you give to the relationship when you get back together? I know from experience that it’s not always easy, but it can certainly be worth it.
