In the early days of aviation, pilots used to travel across the country giving air shows in fields outside of local cities. One of the popular daredevil stunts was “wingwalking.” This is where a performer steps out of the cockpit and walks on the wing while the pilot flies the plane, often doing aerobatic maneuvers at the same time. Usually this feat was accomplished with biplanes, with wingwalkers holding on to guy cables that stretched taut between the wings.
From time to time there were accidents. If you let go of the guy wires, you could easily fall to your death. It was best to hold on with both hands, but if you wanted to move around the wing you needed to temporarily release one hand while you reached for the next guy wire. Then you could drop the first wire and reach for another, etc. (You never wanted to let go with both hands at the same time…)
Why am I talking about aerobatics in an article about romantic relationships? Well, in case you haven’t noticed, love can be dangerous. An emotional breakdown can be devastating and something to be avoided if possible.
I have two friends, let’s call them Kelly and Linda. They both have emotionally immature boyfriends who treat them badly. Kelly and Linda love their boyfriends and want to be in a relationship. However, neither boyfriend shows any signs of growing up. What should they do?
Linda broke up with her boyfriend. She now feels very depressed and lonely. She violated “Bessell’s First Law of Wingwalking,” named for my friend, mentor, contributing author, and famed psychologist Harold Bessell, Ph.D. The First Law of Wingwalking says: “Never let go of what you are holding until you have something else!”. Releasing herself with both hands, Linda “fell” into depression.
Kelly, observing the First Law of Wingwalking, released a single hand. She gradually withdrew emotionally from her boyfriend, as she told him what she was doing and why. She kept waiting for him to grow up, but it didn’t seem to be happening. When she was willing to give him just half of her heart, the other half was available to someone new. And sure enough, someone new showed up, and she held out her open hand, and she now has two boyfriends!
Kelly is freaking out a little bit, but she’s not down like Linda. In fact, she is pleased with the increased attention, something she has never had before. She is also getting the unique opportunity to compare how they both treat her. And she’s more likely to succeed in a new relationship because she’s entering it from a position of strength.
Many of you are no doubt screaming, “That’s terrible! She’s cheating on you! You can’t stand that!”
I have two things to say in response:
1. First, much depends on the nature of the various relationships, the agreements that have been made between the partners, and individual beliefs. For example, Kelly told her boyfriend that things were not going well between them and that she would be open to other relationships if they came up. Therefore, she was not breaking any trust. Plus, she’s not (yet) having sex with her new friend, so she doesn’t have to go against her own inhibitions about having sex with more than one person.
2. Second, it is important to keep one’s beliefs in perspective. For example, I think “emotional stability” is a high value. While I rank it below “honesty” in my own prioritization of values, it ranks above “adherence to social norms.” So if your social norms say “dating only one person at a time” and that conflicts with your “emotional stability,” I suggest dropping the social norm. Of course, if adherence to social norms is a higher value to you than emotional stability, then you must follow social norms and accept that depression is a possible, even probable outcome.
Another way of expressing the First Law of Wingwalking is “Two is better than none.” While this is obvious in the case of wingwalking, social conventions make it less obvious (but just as valid) in the field of romantic relationships.
Why does our culture set rules that conflict with our emotional well-being? In this case, I suspect the rules were set by immature people trying to protect themselves by making others feel guilty. This is something immature people love to do.
My suggestions are:
(1) “Don’t let others think for you”, and
(2) “Don’t fall off the wing!”
