Have you ever talked to an agent or editor and asked them about the passive voice only to be told they know it when they see it?
You probably also know the passive voice when you see it, even if you don’t realize what you’re looking at. All you have to do is pick up a book and watch a scene. Those stories that get you and keep you reading probably use an active voice. When reading the passive voice, it is much easier to get confused or just bored.
So how do you quantify the passive voice?
Well, to begin with, you should know that was and have are not always passive (but they are often included in passive sentences, so be careful).
A passive construction occurs when you place the action of a sentence where the subject would normally be. Such as: The fish was caught by the seagull.
In this sentence the seagull is the one doing the action, but you don’t realize that until you get to the end of the sentence. To activate this sentence you just have to rearrange the order of the words.
The seagull caught the fish.
As you look through your own work, look for and was in the same sentence. It is probably passive.
Often, in passive sentences, the actor is not indicated at all.
Such as:
Mistakes were made.
A few gallons of oil may have been thrown into the sea.
Of course, this only gives you a hint on how to find passive builds. There are also words that when used usually make the sentence, paragraph or passage Tell instead of Show. This contributes to the VOICE that agents or editors see but cannot quantify because they are not true constructs of a passive sentence. These words rob the sentence of clarity or do not give a sufficient idea of what is happening. Either way, the review will make the story a hundred times better.
Here’s a short list that, if you train your eye to search, you’ll find areas in your manuscript where you can improve, whether you need more description or have a passive voice.
- At that point
- Started to
- Starting to
- Because
- Could
- I knew (Fortunately this can usually be removed without causing any problems with the sentence)
- She / he listened
- She / he felt
- She / he looked
- She / he could feel
- Remembered
- It seemed that
- Feel
- He felt
- Has been
- Had gone
- I had
- In a moment
- Suddenly
- Saw
- Was (You will never get rid of this completely, nor should you, but it may be an indicator of where more description is needed)
- They were
- Sequence of words like first, second, finally, next, then(great blog post on these at http://crystalcollier.blogspot.com/2012/11/those-evil-sequence-words.html
- Words of time – for a moment, for a second, a moment later, (These are often overused. Using them once in a while is fine, but most of the time they are not necessary and if you can figure out how to write a sentence without them, it usually becomes a better sentence.)
- The (This word is one of those that is almost invisible, but in the parts where it can be removed, it usually makes the sentence more active and reduces the word count)
- Directional – forward, backward, left, right (It would be better to describe the scene)
- Got – most of the time it is better to use a more descriptive word instead of this one. They create a stronger image in the mind of the reader.
There are many more words that could be included in this list, but these are the most common that I have come across. Find them and rewrite the sentence with more description.
Let me give an example:
He stared at the path in front of him for a moment, searching for the shadow that had crossed a moment before.
Of course, this is just a sentence, but let’s highlight the different parts that could be made much stronger.
Kira stared at the path in front of her for a moment, searching for the shadow that had crossed a moment before.
Now let’s try to give this a bit more description and remove some of these words (sometimes it takes multiple sentences).
A shadow hovered over the road. Kira stiffened, scanning the line of trees by the road.
See the difference? More ACTION words were used and more description was given to the scene, making it a thousand times easier for the reader to imagine.
Learn to use action words and eliminate passive / revealing words and your manuscript will thank you as will your reader.
