For many people outside of the BDSM scene, they usually only see the real ‘hardcore’ BDSM players. These are the people who are fully nude or fully clothed in leather 24/7. And while there is a place for BDSM showmanship and extravagance (Folsom Fair, anyone?), this is a bit intimidating for the person who is new to the scene. You may actually think you need to be this hard to do BDSM well. Is this the case? Well don’t worry, because it isn’t.
Definition of rough sex
Let’s start by talking about what ‘hardcore’ seems to mean. For some, hardcore BDSM is playing as hard as possible. You can beat someone until they bleed, then wax them, then have them pierce themselves. But not everyone is like that. For some who are doing things that seem extreme, they are actually doing these things for attention and out of a desire to harm themselves. They may not really like all this bread, but they have such low self-esteem that they just can’t say no to their partner. This is not BDSM. BDSM is consensual. Now, people go to these extremes, aka pain sluts, but this is not the norm. The basic definition of hardcore seems to be that a person does everything to the highest degree, but this is NOT necessary.
Who are you doing BDSM for?
When you start to question if you’re doing BDSM ‘right’, you need to start asking yourself another question: who are you doing BDSM for? If you’re adding BDSM to a relationship for yourself, it doesn’t matter if you’re being rough. The only person who cares about your BDSM is the other person in the relationship. If your slave or Master/Mistress is happy, then the opinion of the rest of the world doesn’t really matter. All you need to know is that you are happy in your relationship and satisfied with the levels of pain and pleasure. If you’re not happy with the current level of intensity, that’s something to discuss with your partner. Make sure all your comparisons start with your relationship, not with others.
When you’re in the BDSM population
Now something weird happens when BDSM people are in a group, like at a game party or a festival. In these cases, everyone seems to feel the need to be bigger and bolder. But this is just for fun in most cases and is not something that people do in the privacy of their home. Flashing can be a fun thing from time to time, but it’s usually not what people do on their own. First of all, all that makeup and wardrobe is time consuming and expensive, so it’s not sustainable 24/7. There is no need to judge your own BDSM practice by what these people are doing. Think of BDSM in public as theater, something that’s fun to watch, but not something you see every day.
There is no “correct” definition when it comes to BDSM. You can only define this for yourself. If you pick up multiple books on BDSM, you’ll find that definitions of what BDSM looks like vary, and you may never get a straight answer. As for whether you need to be hard to have fun in BDSM, again only you and your partner can answer that question. You are having fun? Are you being safe? That’s all that matters, even if you’re not hardcore or wear a full leather mask or catsuit.
