In the last article I wrote about my husband’s recent heart surgery, and how it brought out my “fixer” – the dark side of many healers. Healers and caregivers of all kinds drift into “FIXER” mode when we push or force our agenda, beliefs, or modalities on someone.
The underlying assumption or belief is that they are unable to help themselves, that they are somehow “broken” and need us to “fix” them. We lose our trust in his divine process and try to manage or control the results we would prefer.
Struggling with the aftermath of his heart attack, the more I made suggestions to him about all the changes we needed to make, the more he resisted. As I began to immerse myself in my own self-healing, I found that I was terrified that if I stopped trying to help him, I was in fact letting him die, and also a terrible guilt that I somehow “couldn’t save him.” .”
Healer, heal yourself
When deep fear and guilt hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I needed to dig deeper into what my responsibility really is, as a wife, healer, friend, and partner.
I pondered the question “So what really is my responsibility?”
The answer was very clear: “The responsibility of my “SOUL” is only to attend to my own alignment with the Light and Love of the Source… and then radiate that (the essence of the Creator or God, that divine energetic possibility) to all who CHOOSE to receive that.”
This has become a core teaching for me, and now for all my clients, as I see it played out in many inappropriate ways by taking responsibility for others in such a way that it creates a lot of suffering and shame.
How am I “taking care of my own alignment”
Meditate and send Reiki
This is almost always my first step. I sit down, quiet my mind and use Reiki healing. In Reiki Level II we learn to send distance Reiki, or Universal Life Force energy, to ourselves, others and even situations. It has been an invaluable tool in changing my own mental/emotional state and removing whatever underlying cause is creating the challenging circumstances.
Reiki is also integral in helping me receive intuitive clarity and guidance on the situation. To send Reiki is to apply the higher vibration or universal life force to smooth the edges and heal or “complete” the situation. It allows me to experience that wholeness, which is the opposite of being broken and in need of repair.
It reminds me that there is so much more to physical healing. Reiki increases my sense and confidence in the healing process or “integration”; that innate and inevitable movement towards experiencing ourselves as whole and complete on all levels. This is often the higher purpose of many of our life challenges: to acknowledge the broken and broken parts of ourselves and allow them to return to a fuller and richer harmony.
Silence and Mantra Repetition
My mom used to say, “don’t add fuel to the fire.” Facing a wall of resistance, in order to help shift my energy away from “helpful, bordering on criticism and fear,” I practiced several days of silence to allow myself to go inward. I was careful not to do it from a place of shutting myself down (repression) or punishing him (also known as “the silent treatment”), but from a place of finding my own stillness and serenity, and thus allowing him quiet respite and support. . .
Ask for help
One of the most important strengths to cultivate is knowing when to ask for help. Thanks to a lot of training as a coach, I no longer see this as a weakness, but as the fastest and most skillful way to overcome a challenge.
So when friends offered to help me, especially in areas I’m not strong at, like exercising regularly or becoming more knowledgeable about nutrition, I wholeheartedly accepted. I knew I couldn’t be everything to my husband, especially now.
I also received a lot of energy healing and coaching help to stay out of fear and feel truly seen and heard, when my partner, understandably overwhelmed by his own crisis, couldn’t do that for me. Instead of focusing on what I was or wasn’t doing, I needed to model self-love and parenting, not just talk about it. My new action plan to support my husband: take good care of myself to stay balanced and happy.
Empowerment and Celebration
I consciously switched from seeing him as sick and resilient, to seeing him as powerful…no matter what. I practiced thinking and feeling that he was capable of making the necessary changes…and telling him this: YOU HAVE THIS!
I also became more focused on noticing what works…and celebrating any movement in the right direction. Baby steps taken consistently lead to big changes. It’s also much easier for all of us to make a change from a positive space, isn’t it?
And I am doing this for myself often, reminding myself that I am always in control of the most important thing: I tend to my direct connection to Source through all the countless energy alchemy tools I have in my toolbox.
One of the reasons this works is that we are connecting with the Truth of Who We Are. At a subatomic level we are not solid, but vast expanses of space, filled with conscious energy in the form of light waves.
“I fully connect with the Source of Light and Love now.”
“I AM A SOURCE OF LIGHT AND LOVE”
Even as I write this I can feel a strong relaxing energy flooding my body. Try it!